


here comes the feeling you thought you'd forgotten

by alreadyaccepted



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, Lesbian Emily Prentiss, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Emily Prentiss, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, emily has bpd, not explicitly stated but it's true
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-12 19:53:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29639793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alreadyaccepted/pseuds/alreadyaccepted
Summary: in which emily's mother shows up unexpectedly and sends them spiraling.
Relationships: Jennifer "JJ" Jareau & Emily Prentiss, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss
Comments: 2
Kudos: 41





	here comes the feeling you thought you'd forgotten

**Author's Note:**

> please please please mind the tags!
> 
> tw: self harm, suicidal thoughts, abuse, mild homophobia

emily prentiss was never really sure where they fit in. the ambassador traveled so much that they never got the chance to put down roots, to figure out who the hell they were besides the ambassador’s daughter. they weren’t even sure if the word “daughter” fit them. they were used to squeezing themself into dresses for events their mother dragged them to, but it always felt like a facade. wear the dress, smile, make sure there’s no lipstick on your teeth, _be polite, behave like a lady._

emily couldn’t really blame their mother for moving around so often though, these things just have to happen. at least that’s what she told them in the heat of an argument. they were 13, and their mother had just told them they would be moving in the next week. emily paused before responding, their heart threatening to jump out of their throat. “b-but why? we just got here a few months ago!” their mother stood tall, staring them down. “we’ve been over this emily.” 

they had just begun to make a friend, and she was different to them than the others were, in a way emily wouldn’t be able to put a label on until later. they finally let themself get close to someone, and now they were leaving them. sometimes, emily really wished they were dead.

* * *

they were naive to think their mother wouldn’t care or take offense to them liking girls. they thought maybe if they offered to keep it secret she would be okay with it; her reputation would remain intact. but she took it worse than they anticipated. “are you kidding me emily? how can you say that to me and say that you love me in the same sentence?” the venom with which she spoke made emily’s whole body go numb. 

that night emily cut themself for the first time. they only made one cut, small enough to be covered by a watch or a bracelet. they knew it wouldn’t be the last time.

they tried, desperately to be what their mother wanted. they found a boy, they were polite, they were a _lady._ it figures that trying to be someone they’d never be would get them into even more trouble, finding their way to the nearest clinic with a friend in hand. they couldn’t tell their mother, the mere thought of her finding out was enough to send shivers up their spine. so they didn’t. they eventually moved and that was that.

* * *

god only knows how they did it, but they made it. they made their way to quantico, to the fbi, where they’d find themself becoming comfortable. the feeling made their skin crawl; the moment they felt comfortable and safe was the moment everything they’d worked so hard for would come crumbling down. and sure enough, they were finishing up a work briefing only to see their mother through the window of the room they inhabited. disbelief and panic washed over them. “mother?”

she was there for a case, but just being in the room with her after so many years was starting to bring back memories that emily thought they’d locked away. memories of their mother’s voice at an ungodly volume, objects thrown and shattered, taunts about their weight. as much as they loved their job at the bau, they couldn’t do it today. not with her around, making the ever-present taunts in their head far louder than they could tolerate. 

“hey, hotch? i’m not feeling well, i think i need to take a day or two off.” the man’s brows furrowed slightly, as if in an attempt to profile them. he’d seen their reaction to their mother’s spontaneous arrival and decided not to question it. “alright. let one of us know if you need anything.” they nodded, grabbing their things as quickly as possible without becoming frantic, and headed back to their apartment.

they drove home so fast it was a wonder they didn’t end up in a wreck. breathing rapidly, they threw their bag down carelessly and made their way to the bathroom. they hadn’t succumbed to those urges in years, but seeing their mother made them feel 13 again. small. dirty. disgusting. a terrible “daughter”. a ringing broke them out of their thoughts for a moment. had their phone been buzzing all this time?

**missed call from jj**

jj: hey, hotch said you were sick. do you need anything? let me know

they turned off their phone as they squatted to look under the bathroom sink. they’d kept an extra blade around just in case. old habits die hard, they supposed, rolling their eyes as they removed the blade from where it was taped up and went to sit in the bathtub. better to stain the tub than the floor, they reconciled as they dug the sharp metal into their thigh, carefully avoiding the major arteries. they’d long stopped cutting their wrists. it was too conspicuous and they wanted to appear put together despite the mental torment they experienced every day. they hid the blade under a random bottle of product on the side of their tub as they sat and watched as the blood began to pool from the two large gashes on their upper thigh, feeling themself relax and fade into the woozy sensation that was quickly beginning to set in.

* * *

jj hadn’t heard from emily since they left work early. she’d asked other team members to text or call them to check in, but no one else got any response either, their calls going straight to voicemail. she’d noticed the older profiler was rattled by the appearance of their mother, but she didn’t think anything of it until now. she headed up to emily’s apartment and found the door slightly ajar, you’d really only notice it if you looked closely. “emily?” the blonde called out, hand instinctively reaching for her sidearm. the apartment was dead quiet. it was odd. emily’s apartment had always had a liveliness to it; there was always some sort of music playing or sound coming from somewhere in the place. it made the hair on the back of jj’s neck stand up. she carefully made her way around the apartment, weapon at the ready. “em?” she said as she stepped into their bedroom, a bit louder than the first time. all that was left was the bathroom.

“emily? emily!” jj yelled, holstering her weapon as she finally found her teammate, laying in the tub with blood around them. she ran up to them, checking their pulse as she tried to shake them awake. she quickly looked for products to administer first aid as emily came to. they mumbled something jj couldn’t quite make out, causing the blonde to rush to their side. “emily, i’m here, it’s okay,” she said, holding back tears. she cradled the back of their head in her hand briefly before beginning to administer first aid. they grabbed her hand and when she looked up, emily just shook their head, eyes rolling up and threatening to close. “emily, stay with me!” another head shake. “that wasn’t a suggestion.” jj said firmly as she began to clean up her teammate despite their weak protests.

* * *

after jj finished up, she helped emily up and led them to their bed and sat them down. their eyes looked dull, empty. it made jj’s stomach drop. _what happened to them?_ “i’m gonna grab you some water.” she announced, stepping out of their room to grab two glasses and text the unit chief.

jj: emily’s safe now. i need to take a couple days off to look after them though and make sure.

hotch: What’s happened?

jj: not sure yet. i’ll keep you posted.

jj took a moment to catch her breath. it wasn’t exactly the same as when she found roslyn, but it was pretty damn close to it. her breath caught in her throat at the thought of making it to their place too late, or them going down the same path roslyn did all those years ago. she shook her head and made her way back to emily.

when jj returned, it didn’t look like emily had moved at all. she placed the glass on their nightstand and sat next to them. “what happened emily?” nothing. their eyes held a thousand yard stare and jj felt her chest tighten. she had seen others dissociate - it’s kind of a part of the job - but she’d never seen someone she knew personally look so lifeless. she slowly placed her hand in theirs, watching their face for a reaction. when none came, she laid her head against their shoulder and resigned herself to wait. there was no way she was leaving, not after what she walked in on. 

* * *

jj felt a shift under her head. emily was looking around. “jayje?” emily muttered, coming back to reality. she squeezed their hand gently, “i’m here, emily. you’re okay.” they shook their head again before looking up at her blue eyes that held a concern emily had never seen before. if they weren’t already lost in their own head, they would’ve been mesmerized by them. they watched jj’s slow and gentle movement as she motioned one hand to tuck their long hair behind their ear, the other still holding their shaky hand. she spoke slowly, hand still cupping one cheek. “are you ready to talk about what’s going on?” they inhaled sharply before giving jj a small nod. 

“well, you already know the ambassador is my mother. growing up she… wasn’t the greatest mother a kid could ask for,” they chuckled dryly. _talk about underselling it._ “i came out to her when i was 13, and to say she took it poorly would be a bit of an understatement.” they paused, their gaze beginning to lose focus. jj squeezed their hand and they continued. 

“she threw things, broke vases, picture frames… then asked me how i could tell her i loved her and that i like girls in the same sentence.” they shook their head, looking down into their lap. “i tried so hard to be what she wanted me to be, but it was never enough. that wasn’t the first time she hurt me, and it wasn’t the last by a long shot. i self-harmed for the first time that night. i couldn’t kill myself, it’d be bad pr,” they joked, managing a short laugh. “so i cut myself instead. what’s a little more pain if it eases the rest… even if it’s just for a few minutes. it’s nothing i hadn’t physically felt before anyway.” they finished, looking back up at the younger woman, who had been silently crying. 

“em, i’m so glad you felt safe enough to share that with me. and i’m so sorry she said and did those things to you. you didn’t deserve any of that.” she was staring into their eyes as she spoke. 

“maybe i did.” they broke eye contact, diverting their gaze to the floor. “emily… do you not see how absolutely fucking amazing you are?” emily whipped their head to face jj, their face painted with curiosity, doubt, and hope. how two brown eyes could be so expressive was a mystery to jj. 

“i mean, seriously. you’re a badass and knowing that you do all that while basically… fighting a war with yourself… makes me think you’re even more of a badass than we all thought.” 

“we?”

“i’m not the only one in the bau who sees you, em.”

“i’d beg to differ.”

jj rolled her eyes playfully. “you know what i mean. you are so loved here, em. seriously. i know your mind tells you otherwise, that you don’t deserve it, that you’re not good enough. i don’t care, and neither does the team. i’ll just keep reminding you that that isn’t true.”

they sniffled, wiping their face with their sleeve. “are you being genuine?” they said softly, still looking down. jj slowly moved to grab their chin and tilted their head up to make eye contact. “i promise you i am.” it was then that emily gently placed their hand on the back of jj’s head and pulled her closer to kiss her. jj melted into the kiss for a moment before pulling back. 

“wait, em. i love you, but you’re in a fragile state right now, and i wouldn’t want to take advantage of that. can we talk about it tomorrow?” emily looked at her, a smile playing across their lips. “you’ll be here tomorrow?”

“and every other day if you let me. plus hotch gave us both a couple days off so lucky for you, i am free for the next two days,” jj smiled softly as she tucked emily’s hair behind their ear once again. emily placed a chaste kiss on jj’s lips before burying their head in her shoulder. jj wrapped her arms around them and they started to cry again. they couldn’t remember a time when they’d ever cried of happiness before now.

**Author's Note:**

> hi! i'm kinda new to writing for cm so i hope this was alright!


End file.
